Thoughts
by Zimbing
Summary: Harper's thoughts after the events in The Widening Gyre. Contains spoilers for season 2 P.S. R&R purty please?
1. Chapter 1

Author: Zimbing  
Email: sparky_cola@hotmail.com  
Rating: PG-13 I think, only one slight naughty word  
Archive: Sure! Just email to tell me where  
Summary: Haper's thoughts after The Widening Gyre.  
Spoilers: Well duh yeah to The Widening Gyre and season 2  
Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own anything to do with Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda although it would be really cool if I did...  
Notes: Ok thought of this while I was lying in my bed at 1am. Don't ask how. One minute it wasn't there then plot bunnies attacked me and POOF! there it was! I know it sucks but hey, it was annoying me tell I wrote it =)  
  
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Thoughts  
  
  
  
I lie here on the med deck bed. Still. Unmoving apart from an occasional breath, blink and involuntary shudder.  
  
Whether I close my eyes or not, they're there. Masts of shaggy brown, teeth dripping with blood. Screaming, howling, sinking their teeth into my skin...  
  
I hear someone approaching. Beka. I lie still.  
  
I'm probably scaring her cause I've never been so still...well that's not true, there was that one time after my parents were killed by those ubers...I don't want to think about that, sufficed to say, Beka has never seen me so still.  
  
She's use to me swinging all over the place especially on the Maru. What was it she use to call me? Oh yeah, Monkey Boy. * Silent laugh * I think I set a new record after the first time she called me that - fastest I've ever got through the Maru.   
  
That time was shortly after Trance had joined the crew...it's been 3 years already?  
  
She's standing by my side now, a couple of feet away. She's fidgeting, unsure of what to say or do. I guess it's a first for everyone cause I've never seen her do that.  
  
"Harper...Seamus, I'm sorry."  
  
She's sorry? What's she done?  
  
If it's anyone's fault it's mine's. If I hadn't been so nosey, this never would have happened. But no, I had to find out what the back up was like. What's that phrase again...curiosity killed the dog ...erm... cat, yeah that's it and I'm the cat.  
  
I'm the cat this time. That makes a change.   
  
My curiosity killed my cousins. If I hadn't have wanted to see what was in that cave so bad we may never have been attacked by magog.  
  
I tried to help. Honest.... The only help I gave them was giving them the lethal injection.  
  
Their eyes wide, full of pain, yet they were unable to utter a word. Their look still haunts my dreams.  
  
I did help them. I saved them from the agony of magog larvae moving through their insides and bursting through their stomach, screaming, ravenous for food...  
  
Shit, I'm going to die like that. It's gonna be painful and...  
  
"I don't want to die like this", I whisper.  
  
Suddenly, arms encircle me. Beka whispers in my ear that everything will work out fine just like good old times, and that I have my medicine to keep them dormant.  
  
The inhaler. It feels like a lead weight around my neck. It's not a life-saver, it's a ticking death clock, telling me how long I've got till I meet Mort.  
  
There's wetness on my cheek. Tears? Mine? I've not shed a tear since I was a kid. I learnt earlier on that to show weakness gave you a date with an uber.  
  
"Close your eyes and go to sleep", a soothing voice whispers.  
  
I close my eyes and they're there. Screaming, shrieking, clawing, biting, infesting...  
  
My eyes shoot open. She's still there, like a guardian angel.  
  
She brings a chair over, sits, takes my hand and strokes my hair.  
  
"You remember that time when we first took Trance to Infinity Atoll..." she begins.  
  
I listen. It's her voice I hear not screams. My eyes droop close and I dream my night away of how we dyed Rev green...   
  
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	2. Chapter 2

(Notes: This is from the ep Exit Strategies)   
Disclaimer: see previous chapter  
  
  
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Well, here I am again facing death. How many times have I been on his doorstep? So many times that I've now lost count.  
  
I shudder at the thought of what is inside me. I can feel them moving but they say the medicine still works and it's all in my imagination.  
  
I always knew I'd die this way, but I'll admit that I have dreamt of being old in my deathbed next to my gorgeous wife, surrounded by our kids and grandkids. Or failing that, going out in a blaze of glory.  
  
Who am I kidding! The rest of my family and half the freakin' mud foots on Earth died this way so why shouldn't I? Hell, I wouldn't want to feel left out!  
  
I, the annoying smartass survived while I watched everyone I loved die horribly. And what did I do? That's right, nothing. I got as far away as possible and tried to block out the memories. Rev would say it was the Devine's plan for me to stay alive. So why did everyone else die? Did the Devine hate them? Was twenty-six years of guilt and pain also part of their almighty plan?  
  
I can feel the coldness of the gun pressing against my leg. I could end it all. All I have to do is point and press. How hard could it be?  
  
Andromeda. I've actually started to call it home. There are people here that care about me. But I never let them in, they haven't seen the 'real' me. I hate the pain of when they leave.  
  
I don't want them to see what I've seen. I can see it all. They'll be huddled around me on Med Deck crying, watching me die in agony, as the... things eat my life away. It makes you cold, numb and haunts your dreams each night after you've witnessed it. I don't want that to be the last memory of me.  
  
I don't want to see the sorrow in their eyes. I don't want that to be the last thing I see.  
They say the will find a cure. But I don't believe them. There is no cure, once you've got'em, they're here to stay and your condemned to a painful death.  
  
I don't have to see any of it. This is better. They won't miss me. Tyr says I'm a coward and where there's life there's hope, yeah right. Rommie treats me differently now and Dylan has seen it all before and won't notice. Trance... I don't know what she will think, Rev will know that I am at 'peace' and Beka... she's the only one that may miss me.  
  
It's better that I end it now... for their sake.  
  
"Alright, Stinky, Turdbrain, up against the stomach wall."  
  
I grip the gun. It feels like ice in my hands. I'm trembling like mad. Focus. This is for their sake. Just point and press. No biggie. How hard could it be?  
  
"Harper what are you doing?"  
  
Just point and press. Just point and press. Just point. And press...  
  
  
~~Fini~~ 


End file.
